Camino 2016 06/12 - Leggo my Ego

There's a cute commercial series from the 1970s where people would vie for a pop up toasted waffle  grabbing it concurrently, look at each other in surprise and competitiveness, and say "Leggo my Eggo". The Eggo waffle was for this kid a tasty treat and the relentlessly aired commercial was never forgotten.

Right now was one of those moments where I have to say to myself "Leggo my ego". Small E, one G. I'm not supposed to return to Camino until Tuesday, and I must watch friends and other pilgrims walk on. On top of that, Stephen offered to walk Sunday (and join me in rest on Monday), while I took the bus to our destination city. So rather than Stephen joining me, he's walking instead of me.

And yet, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. It's like an itch that I need to scratch but should not and just need to learn to accept. It's a reflexive emotion that isn't grounded in my priorities and I just need to ignore. It's like a restless leg that I must calm. And I am doing it.

Sure I'd rather walk. I walk at home every day. But this Camino has shown me much. My community of friends and fellow pilgrims has shown me much. 

One does not make their journey on their own. It may seem like it. There's a romantic charm about going out there and doing an ancient walk through fields and mountains that feels sturdy and independent. But it's an illusion that we do this on our own. 

We need people to offer inexpensive housing, kitchens, restaurants, books, phones, kindness, people giving directions when lost, medical help, pharmacists, nuns and priests, churches and refuges, water fountains, translations, trail maintenance crews, arrow painters, and construction crews. And on top of that infrastructure, we need each other to help with the difficult times, the heat, the cold, the frustrations. 

So knowing this, it's easy to calm my ego and be happy for Stephen as he walked while I sat in a plaza outside the hotel. I had reflexive thoughts that we could still walk on Monday ahead of schedule, but I just accepted that I should not.

And since pilgrimage is a metaphor for life, both our physical lives and spiritual lives, we must acknowledge that we need each other. And that we can't do it alone. That we need each other to carry our journey for us.

And with a community of friends following me on this journey online, I have to acknowledge that I'm carrying the pilgrimage for many. And a few days where someone else does the carrying or where I need to rest, well, that's not just ok but beautiful. I'm no hero. I'm sharing just as everyone else is. 

And one cannot share gifts and plenty if one cannot accept gifts and plenty.

After Stephen got off the bus at Hospital de Orbigo, I continued to Astorga. I checked into a hotel and waited for him. When he got to town, I took his backpack and quickly escorted him into the Gaudi designed Episcopal Palacio (Bishop Palace) before it closed. I sat outside and watched a local parade since I had seen the museum last year, and he came eventually came out to join me.

After he showered and napped, we had lunch. We caught news from All Saints Pasadena about the new rector. Rev Mike Kinman is a brilliant choice. I've communicated with him on Facebook and Twitter since he got involved at Ferguson Missouri. I was honestly elated. But before that, Rev Susan Russell gave a prayer that made me wonder what happened. I'm on a news embargo while on Camino but I found it necessary to find out what happened in Orlando.

Stephen and I were appalled and shocked. I've been so open about awaiting my husband to join me on Camino and the general safety of the Camino, that I forget that life can sometimes be painfully scary. And that I live in a gun laden country that has become desensitized to the persistence of homophobia and violence.

We cannot let these massacres continue. It is not the promised land. We are given arrows and signs pointing the way and yet we continue to choose to walk in another direction. There are people who want to help us, carry out load, share in our sweat and tears, but we don't let them.

Life is a gift. For society to recognize this, I must first. Do I really accept it as a gift? For me to do so, I must accept that others offering to carry my load, for others offering to help me emotionally, for me to accept the grace from God, I must acknowledge that I'm as vulnerable and human as the next person.

So I smile sincerely and share. I Leggo my ego and say let's enjoy together. Let's walk together, following the signs, helping each other away from problems and dangers, sickness and death. 

And Monday, when I walk into church on my rest day, I'll give a simple prayer as I light a candle before mass. May God have mercy on the souls of the deceased and the perpetrators of violence.

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Camino 2016 06/11 - Trusting the Process, Trusting Life

Life, health, families. So much potential for happiness. So much potential for pain and disappointment. When we set our expectations too high, we can become disappointed when they aren't met. When we set our expectations too low, we can fall prey to cynicism or distrust. Most of us set them high.

I deliberately built in rest days on my Camino pilgrimage so that I could handle injuries. That's worked so far but I needed a couple more. Fortunately there are ways to cope. The difficulty is being flexible with others and myself.

Because I was worried that the blisters had gotten infected, I went to urgent care in León. They weren't infected but the doctor did work on them and instructed me to stay off the Camino for 2-3 days. There were a couple of ways we could handle this. Stephen and I chose for me to stay off my the Camino for three days to make sure I'm ok.

We will take the 9am bus to Hospital de Orbigo (a village past the industrial area) where he gets off the bus and walks to Astorga. He should get into the small city in 3.5-5 hours. I stay on the bus and continue to Astorga. I check into a hotel. Monday we rest. We continue Tuesday from Astorga as planned. I rest and Stephen gets to walk without me.

Though this can be disappointing, I'm not. I get to spend just as much time with someone I've missed for the past month. It's just plans have changed a little.

Life's not a race or game, nor is the Camino. We shouldn't worry about rules we've made for ourselves that don't actually affect our ability to do what we want. We can change plans. But we can become disappointed if we fixate on the original plans or compare ourselves with others.

My pilgrimage continues. A reading I gave myself months ago for Sunday morning feels amazingly appropriate. Philippians 4:10-13, Paul is explaining why we shouldn't worry about him. 

"At last you are concerned about me again. That makes me very happy. We belong to the Lord. I know that you have been concerned. But you had no chance to show it. I'm not saying that because I need anything. I have learned to be content no matter what happens to me. I know what it's like not to have what I need. I also know what it's like to have more than I need. I have learned the secret of being content no matter what happens. I am content whether I am well fed or hungry. I am content whether I have more than enough or not enough. I can do everything by the power of Christ. He gives me strength."

His love is such that nothing else matters.  Paul's learned that life is a process that he has to learn to trust. That's tough. But it's what I've been working on with myself. This pilgrimage is a process I've got to trust. 

We spent a delightful couple of days in León. I had an easy walk from Mansilla de las Mulas though my blisters gave me new concerns. I picked up Stephen at the train station and we checked into the León parador, the San Marcos Hostal. 

Paradors are former monasteries or palaces turned into hotels. This one is spectacular. You'll recognize it in the movie The Way. Originally 900 years ago it was a humble albergue and hospital for pilgrims. Then it expanded to house Friars. Then it expanded to become a full blown monastery including a large church and facilities for the Order of Santiago. It grew to its present form by 1700. In the 1970s it was turned into a hotel. But the church still functions: We sat in a mass and saw a wedding. 

It was also during the Spanish Civil War a place where up to 20000 people were jailed and as many as 3000 of whom ordered executed. I walked past a monument several days ago where many bodies were laid during that civil war. I said a prayer here as I did there.

We toured the cathedral and its spectacular stained glass. We attended the Basilica de San Isadore pilgrim mass and watched Silvia translate the blessing to English for the priest at the end. We sat around the cathedral and ran into many fellow pilgrims. Stephen met Lin from Canada, Dominique and Patric from France, Mike from Long Island, among others.

On our second day, we got the bus tickets and enjoyed the river park. We rested in the hotel and made a movie celebrating our reunion. We got his hiking stick and then people watched in Plaza Mayor. We've had some nice non-pilgrim food.

We may not always get what we want on a pilgrimage but that doesn't make it any less transformative. The gift of life is not a gift of plenty, of stuff, of checkboxes on a list, but the gift of an experience, a process. May we all enjoy that gift with each other as long as we are able.

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Camino 2016 06/09 - Wandering in a Straight Line

The Meseta is farm country and resembles the great expanses of Iowa, Nebraska, and Kansas. Wheat and other grains grow endlessly.

The roads go in straight lines for incredibly long distances. It numbs the mind and can be rather boring.

It can also lead to wonderful mental wandering because you don't have to think about what's next. "What's next" is the same steps you've been taking for hours and hours. From the repetition, you are free to meditate and think freely. Even the crosses every few kilometers seemed like good ways to keep your wandering mind and tired feet attuned to the pilgrimage.

Repetitive work that has been done in monasteries and convents for centuries is like this. Liturgy often does the same thing in its rituals. The Taizé services I'm involved with at All Saints Pasadena do the same with the repetitive chanting.

You repeat. Repeat. Repeat. And in doing so you enter a meditative state, where your mind can wander freely along those long straight roads.

What a joy it was to do this today. I at first dreaded it, recalling how numbing it was last time. But today, knowing what was to happen, knowing the ritual steps, I felt my mind exploring more easily.

I met a Japanese man a few years younger than me pushing his mother in a wheel chair from Burgos to León. He clearly chose a start and end to their pilgrimage that would be flattest and most feasible. It made me think about what we are willing to do to share our pilgrimage with others. Or, to help others make their own pilgrimages. The love was clear here and I was moved greatly.

I chatted some with Lin from British Columbia. She's traveling with Alix and Alice also from Canada but I hadn't seen them since Alix forgot her medication in Pamplona. The last 90 minutes flew by as we marched into Mansilla de las Mulas.

But for the most part, it was a meditative day. It made prayer so easy.

Tomorrow, Stephen arrives and by the time he gets off the train at León, I will have walked into the train station. It'll be a month since I've seen him, the longest we've been apart since we began dating. (There will be no blog post tomorrow night as I will not be spending time thinking or writing but just being there for him and vice versa.) And now that we are married, a vocation that we fully live out, the distance has seemed exhausting. 

But I'll be able to help him and heal his lonesome heart as he will heal my homesick heart. Healing isn't something done by professionals only. I know this will be the case tomorrow.

Healing will be through love. 

And if healing can be through love in this instance, healing can be through love in others instances, with other people. It might not be a physical healing. My blisters and his pinched neck muscle won't disappear by our reunion. But it will be a healing of the soul that can then allow for the physical repairs to be done.

May your heart wander along those long roads until it too is freed to explore, to love, to heal.

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