You are not alone

There's something that pains me deeply. It's something that I've been exposed to before, but it's the first time that it happened close to me in a very long time. And this breaks my heart. It's been two months now since it happened, and I'm still processing my grief.

You see, I'm a lay counselor at my church. It means I get several hours of training, meeting at least twice a month, so that I can help offer counseling services (10 sessions) to those who need an ear. Sometimes we recommend that our clients go to professionals, especially in situations we aren't equipped to handle. The ministry is as much a blessing to us counselors as we hope it is for those who come to us. And in time, we get better from the training and from more experience.

Sometimes people need help to discuss job changes. Or relationship problems. Or LGBT issues. Or family issues. Or grief. Or this. Or that. The list goes on, because we are all human and there are so many ways we can hurt. There are so many things that can make us anxious. There are so many things that break us down.

The hardest part during mt first year of training and my work with my first clients was the need to resist my tendency to want to fix things. A counselor cannot fix you. Only you can fix yourself. We're here to help you find your own way through the haze. If we can't, we'll suggest professionals who may understand how to help you better.

I'm learning to become a better listener because of this experience. And yet, I feel I missed something. I feel like I could have done better. I feel I did what I was trained to do, and what I thought was best. But I feel like I've let someone down.

I'm working on this with my spiritual advisor and my own counselor, and I'll get past this pain at some point.

But for now, I'm grieving.

For now, I carry tears in my heart.

For now, all I can say is I still want to walk with you if you still want to walk with me.

You see, I lost a client a couple months ago.

I've shed many tears this past year, losing friends and struggling with relatives who are slipping away. But they weren't my clients. And somehow this struck me differently. I feel a responsibility to take special care for a client.

And... my client didn't just die... No... It was intentional... It was a life taken away by its owner.

It was suicide.

At first, I accepted the idea that it was accidental. But I didn't know for sure.

I found out what really happened a month later, while I was putting on robes and getting ready to assist at the memorial.

What's amazing is that it's been such an eye-opener for me. I've come to realize that I have had deep problems with suicide for most of my adult life. Suicide has haunted me for decades, but I've been able to keep it in the shadows. And now, in one of the most difficult years I've had in a long time, it walked out of those shadows and banged loudly on my door.

And somehow, weirdly, ironically, and in a way shockingly, it's been helping me.

It's helping me understand that I cannot run from the specter of suicide. I've seen it before, I've seen it come back, and I will see it some day again. I need to learn how to cope with the expansive issues that trouble me about suicide (the pain, the theology, the social network, the safety net, all of it).

I know some of what pained my client. But apparently not all. Apparently not enough. There were no desperate cries for help. But there were a lot of prayers. I wish I knew more. I can only wish at this point.

You may have noticed I haven't blogged in a couple months, even though I've been on an incredible journey in the past several months. I'll blog about these experiences soon. But in the meantime, I'll just accept that I still hurt. And I'm healing.

And I know, I'm loved and not alone. Just as I pray that you, my friend, know that you are beloved and are not alone.

Everybody Hurts (by REM)

When your day is long And the night The night is yours alone When you're sure you've had enough Of this life Well hang on Don't let yourself go 'Cause everybody cries And everybody hurts sometimes Sometimes everything is wrong Now it's time to sing along When your day is night alone (hold on) (Hold on) if you feel like letting go (hold on) If you think you've had too much Of this life Well, hang on 'Cause everybody hurts Take comfort in your friends Everybody hurts Don't throw your hand Oh, no Don't throw your hand If you feel like you're alone No, no, no, you're not alone If you're on your own In this life The days and nights are long When you think you've had too much Of this life To hang on Well, everybody hurts sometimes Everybody cries And everybody hurts sometimes And everybody hurts sometimes So, hold on, hold on Hold on, hold on Hold on, hold on Hold on, hold on Everybody hurts You are not alone

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rOiW_xY-kc