Who am I

I watch certain films during Lent. Chocolat. Les Miserables (1995 concert version).

This year, I was particularly moved by the song "Who am I". It comes after Inspector Javert feels he's captured the Jean Valjean, prisoner 24601, who abandoned the terms of his parole. Unwittingly, he tells the mayor, who in fact is Jean Valjean but under an assumed name. Jean Valjean must face whether he continues in his disguise, maintain his office, sustain his successful business, and escape prison, but causing an innocent man to go to jail. Or he could reveal his identity and lose his business and position.

From the lyrics to "Who am I" from the musical Les Miserables If I speak, I am condemned. If I stay silent, I am damned! I am the master of hundreds of workers. They all look to me. How can I abandon them? How would they live If I am not free? If I speak, they are condemned. If I stay silent, I am damned! Who am I? Can I condemn this man to slavery Pretend I do not feel his agony This innocent who bears my face Who goes to judgement in my place Who am I? Can I conceal myself for evermore? Pretend I'm not the man I was before? And must my name until I die Be no more than an alibi? Must I lie? How can I ever face my fellow men? How can I ever face myself again? My soul belongs to God, I know I made that bargain long ago He gave me hope when hope was gone He gave me strength to journey on Who am I? Who am I? I am Jean Valjean! And so Javert, you see it's true That man bears no more guilt than you! Who am I? 2 4 6 0 1

I normally love this song because it brings me to tears. This year, however, I found myself actually sobbing. 

The tears flowed not because I'm a former prisoner, but because the parallels feel so true right now. Was I a literal prisoner? No. Did I feel like a prisoner? Yes. When I was in the closet, I felt oppressed and unable to be myself. I got glimpses of a happier choice as a pre-med student who loved working in caring gerontology environments, helping the elderly, healing people in spirit. But I chose not to enter that profession because of the emotional nature of working with dying patients. I since then have worked for the sake of work.

Today, I lead a pleasant life with a wonderful husband who I adore. I enjoy a certain freedom in my business and get to travel. 

And yet, I daily face the question of "Who am I"? It's the same question I faced when I was a prisoner in the closet. It's the question I asked when I left the medical career. In some ways, my freedom from that world allowed me to flourish and be financially secure. I've also since returned to the Church and have a deep relationship with God.

So what has happened this year? Why am I facing a choice about me as I live versus me as my true self? Was it the Camino de Santiago pilgrimage? Perhaps. I undoubtedly feel as though I'm on a spiritual journey. In the end, I think it's this Lenten season, coming soon after a big pilgrimage.

Lent asks us to go deep into our search for God and our place on earth. We're asked to find God by being true to ourselves as we were created. Anything that distracts us from our true selves distracts us from God. Anything that distracts us from God is temptation. 

We usually say that temptation distracts us from God. But in many ways that allows us to wiggle out of our responsibilities because we don't have to define temptation. 

Anything that distracts us from God is temptation.

So this Lent, I face the temptations that surround us and find that almost everything that isn't about helping, caring, nourishing, welcoming, healing is a temptation. Because on my journey of faith, I find God in Creation and in people. If my relationship with people and creation are not central, then it's a distraction to God. Or, if it's not about relationships and creation, it's a distraction, a temptation, from God.

Fine, how do you make a living without the distraction of work? I'm not sure I know the answer. It's certainly not going to be an easy answer. One can depend on others for their livelihood but at some point, somebody has to help create a sustainable place to live and and find food to eat.

As such, like most, I lead a balanced life, lifting up when possible the aspirational goals but held down in the ashes from which we came because we're expected to live life a certain way.

So who am I? 

"My soul belongs to God, I know. I made that bargain long ago. He gave me hope when hope was gone. He gave me strength to journey on. Who am I? Who am I?"

That's the question that will follow me throughout this Lenten pilgrimage.

Camino de Santiago - The Way (Preparing #11)

The movie "The Way" has proven to be a source of inspiration for many pilgrims and would-be
peregrinos. Released in 2010, it stars Martin Sheen as Tom Avery who unexpectedly finds himself walking the Camino de Santiago. Sheen was directed by his son Emilio Estevez, who also plays his son in the movie. Sheen supposedly got inspiration for the movie when he was touring northern Spain with Estevez's son, Tony. Tony met his future wife on that trip and Sheen, a practicing Roman Catholic, decided to capture the spiritual and physical journeys that the peregrinos were taking. You can find the movie on Amazon and Netflix, and from what I understand, it is sometimes shown at church gatherings.

I found the film to be quite thought-provoking. In fact, as an overly sentimental person, I usually find myself crying whenever I watch the movie. And not just at certain scenes, but throughout the movie. It's not because it's especially sad. I cry because each step by every pilgrim seems to be a prayer and  an opportunity for spiritual growth.

Tom Avery intends to walk the Camino alone. As in real life, however, he cannot control who comes into our lives. This upsets him, as he always planned his life, choosing the life he wanted to have. His conflict with his son revolves around an important difference between them: "You don't choose a life, Dad. You live one."

And that's what makes Tom's desire to walk alone so fascinating. He can't walk the camino alone because it's impossible to be alive on the trail without the involvement of others. Moreover, as the movie goes on, each person introduced learns valuable lessons from each other.

Estevez compared his movie to "The Wizard of Oz". I thought this was an insightful comparison. Dorothy meets a lovable coward, a broken-hearted tin person, and a brainless flailing scarecrow. In this movie, Tom meets a lovable but passive Dutchman whose kindness is taken advantage of, a broken-spirited possibly heart-broken Canadian, and an Irishman whose brain has stopped with his writer's block.

Moreover, Tom notices aspects of their personalities that reminds him of his son. He begins to repair his relationship with his son by learning to cope and walk with these fellow travelers. He walks with strangers and in turn walks with his son.

At the end of the movie, we realize that all of us may be broken, all may be hurt, all may have failings. Yet we walk our journeys in prayer hoping that we'll cope with existential crises and understand our place. Most beautifully, we pray for hope, but it doesn't matter because we are all loved by our Creator. We are graced with a love beyond understanding that unites us in spirit with others.

Will I meet other people on my journey like Tom met these people? My husband Stephen seems to think it's inevitable. I'm extroverted and talkative. I'm bound to find others who I can befriend.

But as the movie showed, we can't control who comes into our lives. We just live life. And that's how I'm approaching this trip.

For example, have you ever taken a trip and found that you've overpacked? If you're like most people, this is likely to be every trip you've ever taken. From my understanding, the Camino offers such a challenging trial for new walkers that they overpack and bring too many things. As they continue their journey, they start to shed unnecessary items and lighten their load. I've traveled millions of miles and I still experience this, despite never packing in excess of a carry-on bag.

Because I'm expecting this to happen, I've walked locally in the mountains with my backpack to see if I can handle the weight. In fact, I can. But that doesn't mean I need to do so. So, I unpack, assess, eliminate, and bring less. My pack is now down 8 lbs in weight than when I started. I'm learning how to walk the Way with every challenge on the trail.

Isn't that what wisdom or spiritual growth about about? We build up so many facts, details, and knowledge that we no longer can make our way with any profound inspiration. It's like the tourist (perhaps me at times) who spends the entire trip taking videos and photos, without actually seeing, appreciating, soaking up anything really.

Instead we should accept the journey for what it is and trust that we'll get by. Our way is not the way we set out; our way is the road we end up walking, planned or unplanned. Life is about the journey, and not the destination. And most importantly, it's about who walks with us.

So, in a few days, I will walk with my Creator, with trust, with love. Like the movie, each step will be a prayer that opens my heart, my brain, my courage, my relationships.

Thank you and bless you for joining me on this transformational journey.

I leave Los Angeles on September 10 and land in Spain September 11.

Please walk with me by donating to Episcopal Relief and Development

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Prior blog postings regarding the the Camino
Camino de Santiago - Introduction (Preparing #1)

Camino de Santiago - Pilgrimage (Preparing #2)

Camino de Santiago - Going Alone, Together (Preparing #3)
 Camino de Santiago - Lasciate omni speranza (Preparing #4)
Camino de Santiago - Walking with Those in Need (Preparing #5)
Camino de Santiago - Cruz de Ferro (Preparing #6)
Camino de Santiago - Capo de Finisterre (Preparing #7)
Camino de Santiago - What's on the Playlist? (Preparing #8)
Camino de Santiago - What's on the Praylist? (Preparing #9)
Camino de Santiago - This Pilgrim's Prayers (Preparing #10)
Camino de Santiago - The Way (Preparing #11)
Camino de Santiago - The Road Not Taken (Preparing #12)

Comedy and Tragedy Unmasked - Reflections on Robin Williams, Depression, and Extroverted People

I was a teenager when Robin Williams first appeared on Happy Days. The role was a cooky one but for some inexplicable reason they spun it into a show. Oh, and what a show. I loved Mork and Mindy, but not just because of the humor. His characterization of Mork as a child-like space alien touched because he wore his heart on his sleeve. Mork was honest, sharing, and curious.

Since then, Robin Williams' movie legacy has been not only extensive but surprisingly deep and particularly broad. His range was tremendous. From manic to sensitive, from restrained to loving, he carried it all. I was flat out stunned at his and John Lithgow's grasp of the characters in World According to Garp. Later on, he impressed in Good Morning Vietnam and brought me to tears in Dead Poets Society. Even in the over the top The Birdcage, he brought an amazing restraint to Armand Coleman/Coldman/Goldman that made his love for his partner more tangible. This was in the day when marriage equality was treated as a novelty, rather than something with truly emotional and loving underpinnings.

Oh, and I nearly fell off the Golden Gate bridge one time as we passed each other on bicycles and I froze in awe - not a smart thing to do on a bicycle over the San Francisco Bay.

Why am I reflecting on my fellow Episcopalian's passing? Because underneath this outward genius was apparently a pained and hurt individual. We can't diagnose from afar, but his substance abuse was likely linked to the underlying emotional burden. He carried his demons with him into his marriages, and we didn't have access to his tears off-screen.

And yet on the screen, he wore the Greek mask of comedy or the Greek mask of drama, in different movies and shows yes, but usually within the same script. He switched them easily and with a sensitive agility. His expressive and malleable face were his masks and he wore it with brilliance.

But in his movies and shows, I always thought that his eyes twinkled, raged, hollowed, and gleamed. They hinted at something that can't be manipulated by a pliable facade. They showed that he truly knew joy, felt loss, understood confusion, and cried with anguish.

And from an inner place that churned these powerful emotions, we find that he eventually succumbed and withdrew his spirit to a place where he won't suffer any more.

Depression isn't sadness. It's a clinical disease. The brain is actually awash with structures and chemicals that make it different than a brain suffering a bad hair day. He hid his depression on screen, but like any good actor knew how to tap into the raw energy of such feelings to drive his work.

On the outside, we saw his masks of comedy and tragedy. On the inside, we can only speculate. But who else among us carries these masks on a daily basis?

I raise my hand. At one point in my life, for over a year, I was in a state that I only afterwards realized should have been treated clinically. Most of the time, I was able to hide the feelings. After all, I'm extroverted, usually friendly (except to the person who cuts me off in traffic), and thinks meetings can be more productive if we're cheerfully enjoying each other's company.

In fact, I was a high school yell leader. With the cheerleaders, we led the stands to cheer for a team whether we were doing well or not. In fact, it was even more imperative to be spirited and cheerful when the going was tough. No doubt, this was a perfect fit for me. But despite all that, it didn't mean the team would win.

So depression to some of us can be masked for the sake of keeping things going. It doesn't however solve our own mental health problems. We reach out in ways we can, but often hide it exceedingly well.

Robin Williams knew to reach out for help on his substance abuse. That we knew. If we only fully grasped that his acting continued well into the night as he walked far off screen.

I pray that I understand this better in myself and in others. Our pastoral care abilities depend just as much on hearing and understanding as in helping. I truly hope that by unmasking the comedy and the tragedy facades, those who need help can be comforted and assisted. The National Suicide Hotline is at 1-800-273-TALK. The Trevor Project hotline for at risk LGBT youth is 866-488-7386. Know these numbers; share them well.